Satisfaction

Some days I find myself vulnerable.

Vulnerable to my thoughts, my nightmares, my past.

But the vulnerability is self-inflicted.

We always have a choice to quickly think about something else, ignore that nightmare, forget the past...

But it's a constant battle against yourself.

It's interesting...

These deep thoughts, have they led me anywhere? They've only been a nuisance.

I crave a good book, a promising kiss, a powerful song...

Dependence is not attractive and yet it's unavoidable.

No one is ever truly independent.

No one is ever completely satisfied.

Life is a battle and yet a beauty.

and so is Love

Choices

It's been a while since I've written.

It's summer and I've mostly been working. I now work at a desk with my own computer, direct telephone line, etc. It's quiet but I've learned a lot about the business world. Sometimes it's repetitive but nonetheless essential to the success of a team.

I've been thinking a lot about what academic and career path to commit to. There's so many things I can do and the hardest part about this moment in life is the pressure of making your choices soon. 

Choices...too many choices...

Time is running out...money keeps moving...

In my future I want to enthusiastic about my job. I want it to be a challenge but one I know I can accomplish. I want to work with many different people on a team.

I want to design...formulate...conduct...think hard...project my thoughts and voice...make beautiful things...help others...inspire others...

As of now the battle is between Civil Engineering and Mathematics Education...

To be or not to be... :)

An engineer or a high school teacher.....hmm....

choices, choices, choices....

Doubt and Faith

Today I had a huge revelation.

At work my boss gave me mindless things to do.

As I was practicing my counting, I decided to use the higher-thinking part of my brain.

I thought about my doubts.

Doubts on some paths I hesitate to take.

I'm a kind of girl that analyzes everything before she makes a decision.
Unless of course I'm in "the moment" and my brain is too excited to think...that's
when I "just do."

So why can't I "just have faith?"

I don't have many faiths unfortunately. I lost them through time after being
wronged and thinking a lot.

It's just me.

But...Love seems different.

Love...it should be the easiest to place your faith...

I tell myself that I will.

And it's as easy as that. I commit to having faith.

Gradually I'll get there and have faith in other things...I won't think so harshly
and deeply.

I need to risk.

Why not risk in something GREAT! Something worth the jump.




So....

"Just...
jump!"

Bones

Bones, the tv show of course, sparked another career interest.

Forensic Anthropologist.

I did a little research online and found some fascinating facts. There are not that many forensic anthropologists in the world. I watched a video online that stated at that time there were only 150! So you'd think that the job is grisly, stressful, or meant for people who have large learning capacities. What kind of person would have a passion for such a career?

I feel sort of tricked. As I did more research I figured out that being a forensic anthropologist is NOT exactly the life of Dr. Temperance Brennan (whose name I love). Not all F.A.s know five different marital arts, travel with a handsome FBI agent (soon-to-be soulmate), and works in a lab with close comrades, all personally and intellectually focused on solving a murder mystery and putting the "bad guy" in his rightful place.

Of course I first knew that forensic anthropology was heavily science-based. The show "Bones" portrays it as such joined with a rare friends circle, sprinkled with a little comedy. Science does not scare me or fuse some historic distaste within me. I am a firm believer and lover in its nature and practice.

How can a job in forensic anthropology promise me a high-end facility, flourishing with amiable people, respect, and a trustworthy team? Must you be the best of the best? And once you are, is that enough to get you the ticket to paradise?

For some reason I have better hope in other professions like being a professor or a teacher or even a writer to have all these things for me in the future.

Will the journey be exciting? I do know that the purpose is worthy, but is it ME? I would love to become Temperance Brenann. If only it were a real possibility. If there was someone or something that could reassure me of such a possibility!

Who can I be? What can I become? Will my life be the most thrilling and carry the most meaning?

We shall see.

Stretched

Sometimes I feel that my extended imagination...that seems all-to-real is a gift that I can use as a writer.

Growing Up

As we get older everyone diverges into their own little niche. It's fun to see where people choose to go, which routes they take, what jobs they pursue...

I work two jobs about 18 hours a week, hold an equivalent to four college classes, TRY to study 24 hours a week, blah blah blah.

Today I met a fourth-year. What an amazing person.

I asked her, "How do you pay for college, Tera?"

She told me that:

-her parents don't support her so she works

-she works about 30-40 hours a week!!!

-and babysits.

-AND is graduating on time....

-is involved on campus.

"Do you sleep?"

"NO!" she says with eyes wide open and a constant smile.

She comes into work all the time so genuine and happy.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G...

I guess no matter how hard you think you're working there are always other people with different scenarios, pushing their limit...they'll shock you.

She's most inspiring to me!

She gives me hope.

I can do this.

My name is Sacha Rose Robbins. I'm an English major and Psychology, Biology, and Philosophy minor. I manage two jobs and the college load. I'm a first year and already $19,000 in debt. I make less than $7,000 a year.

I want a Ph.D. I will get it.

Good luck to all who have dreams and actually make an effort to make it happen.

:)

Our Reminder

I wanted to remind my audience about the theme of this blog:

"Live and Let Live"

I try to live my life by this rule as much as I can. What I want everyone to realize is that this phrase does not promote ignoring or by-passing others and their differing ways. Diversity is unique and therefore excessively being researched and analyzed. Not only the big-shot PhD professors but everyone even you whether you realize it or not. We judge people, cultures, and behaviors all the time. A life that is completely different from your own will confuse you at one point; but it should also spark your curiosity. Appreciate the diversity we together uphold in our world. Without it we may never discover alternatives, become individuals, grow an open-mind...we may in simplest form become bored. It is true that something opposite your standards could be harmful or dangerous; there is that negative aspect as well.

But life is what it is and everything has a good and bad light no matter how much we may resist.

Keep this phrase in mind. I hope you have noticed that every entry I've written draws back to this phrase.


What's Happening

So my Nana had surgery this morning at 7:30am. The surgeons were trying to reattach her collapsed lung to her wall cavity but it kept deflating. So, they extracted certain lobes of her lung (one piece included the cancerous cells). 
We were previously told that simply taking out the cancer through surgery would be likely unsuccessful because her body would not be strong enough and she would probably live the rest of her life using an oxygen tank.

So the question that is currently unanswered is: Since the cancer cells have been taken out, is she now and will she need to be with an oxygen tank?

What I've learned

I have huge frustration and opposition to the practice and existence of cigarettes. Anything that obviously harms your health I abhor.

But in this experience I having been reflecting on my daily activities (what I've been working towards, my growth, my health, my workload). My friends and family believe that my schedule exhausts me. My previous definition of being overworked included the absence of maintaining a healthy body. I get 8 hours of sleep usually, I walk daily around campus, I eat 3 meals a day, and my personal hygiene is at it's best (if you were wondering). College is not that "bad".

I've tweaked my definition of being overworked. I've added another important quality.
The experience with my Nana and the Robbins Family recently has taught me this:

You are overworked if you don't have time to maintain your health and you don't have time to catch up with your family.

Yes, my days are completely full. I have time to occasionally exercise or go on facebook (lol). I get home late and when I get to my homework I sometimes fall asleep. I don't keep in contact with all my friends and I have not been to a single college party or dance club.
And yes, I barely visit my family.

I rarely know what they're doing, sometimes how old their turning. Everyone gets caught up in "what they're supposed to be doing" or even "what they're NOT supposed to be doing" that they forget to make some family phone calls or emails or long-drive visits.
It's hard when you're pressured to make money and get an education. It's hard when you have personal goals of your own...you want to be "somebody" and your stuck with the decisions of time management.
What do I have time for? How can I maintain my social network? Is family a priority for ME right NOW.

I want to know what's going on in my family. I want to know what stage or phase of growth they're undergoing at this moment. I'd like to know this without internet networks or text messages. I'd like to spend time at gatherings. I'd like to share to them my discoveries and listen to theirs.


It is important to me. I wish I did not have to work so much. I wish I could just focus on school and friends and family.
But it's not only me. It's everyone. They all had to make similar decisions like me.

Our world has led us to isolate ourselves from something whether family, friends, work, or school at some point.

Life is short.


Decisions need to be made.


What's important to you?

My Nana

Last monday, February 22, my Nana's lung collapsed.

She was already in the hospital having been admitted last week. I visited her the day before her lung collapsed. The doctors and nurses had to stick a tube through her side and inflate her disabled lung. It was dramatic and shocking for all of us especially those who have been caring for her these past decades. She is about the same age as my maternal grandmother, however, they look completely different. Despite the contrast in ethnicity, there is one main difference that sets them apart: the grotesque, suicidal habit of smoking cigarettes.

Nana has been smoking way before I was born, my cousins were born, and her children were born. How she looks now does not fully reflect how damaged her insides are.
"If the Lord wants me he'll take me," she says as she sips her Diet Coke. She's having withdrawls, I tell myself, she drinks soda like it were the body's all natural necessity, water.

Smoking is one thing that does not make sense to me. Not only is it an addictive habit, it's a suicidal habit as well. It is not the same as treating yourself to sweets every so often or taking risks to fly an airplane or outdoor rockclimbing. Smoking is the worst! An addictive personality does not just affect them, it affects those around them. They damage their relationships just as they damage themselves. It ruins their lives and it dampens others'.

Why? is all I ask. And a stupid answer like, "Oh, because it's so hard." is lousy, misdirected, lost, and hopeless.

A lot of people...not all...but TRUST me A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE.....hopeless.

Not everyone can be saved.

Marriage

I've been in a nearly two year relationship with a man I very much love. Recently, my mind contemplated on marriage while I dreamt. It was present day in this dream and Alex and I were about to tie the knot. What a daydreamer would imagine to be a wonderful time in one's life was absolutely not in my dream. Everyone, friends and family, were getting irritated and wierd around me. I felt odd doubts and anxiety that I've never felt before--like the fearfulness I felt about to jump off a cliff where twenty to twenty-five feet below me lay a medium-sized body of clear water---it was sport. But marriage is for life. So in my dream I was scared in ways that other's my age and in my time can't imagine. How vivid a night! I decided, hours before the horribly gathered ceremony---apparently unprofessional and lousy in set up---to cancel everything. I woke up astonished and embarrassed---how could my mind come up with such crazy situations?

I woke up realizing that me, myself, and I were still in need of personal development. Where things are now, I need to focus on me and my education. Education and experience. Life experience is necessary for personal growth. I've realized my place and I've realized my potential.

I know that I'm in a great relationship--stable, mutually loved, confident, growing, and fun.
But I've come so far in my first half of college--in intelligence and social aspects. I need to fine tune who I am and need to develop who I want to be and what I want to do. Many options are still available for me and the world is at my feet to explore. Taking one step at a time, with eyes and thoughts wide open, I try to absorb what I can in hopes to further enrich myself with intelligence.

But in many special cases there are those who feel that it is their time to seal their hearts for a certain someone. I wish them all the strength and happiness because in everything we experience, there will always be obstacles. But I hope that there will be more bliss and love than anything else.

Life is good.

Transition in Thinking

I open my eyes and breathe the air surrounding me. Smells of vanilla lattes, world music, bustling of young adults and wise professors...It is midday and I have class in fifteen minutes. I'm sipping the rest of my Starbucks coffee, flipping through a superb novel, and frequently glancing at my peers nearby. Someone continuously jitters turning to the time on his wrist. Another stares at the menu uncertain whether to get the usual. A boy is resting his head on the back of the couch, lost in the perilous consequences of late night beer pong. Everyone following different schedules, pursuing different goals, and leading different lives. We are not all machines anymore, we are all unique. Classes are filled with a variety of ages, beliefs, opinions, shapes, sizes, and colors.

Suddenly I'm in college. A year has gone by like a blink of an eye and I now sit in a coffee shop pleased where I've brought myself.

My thoughts.

They've changed.

What I think of now is different. I'm continuously planning, working, studying, and meeting new people. I'm learning something new every day. I'm exploring my limits and pushing myself further. I'm weighing my time and trying foreign things. Walking to new places with new people and new thoughts.

My thoughts have changed.

I no longer think of dances, gossip, games, and events. I no longer eat lunch with the same individuals. My day is planned and unplanned. I set the basics and complete the week. I'm experimenting with life and it's proving to be an unpredictable and joyous ride.

I awake in the morning excited to discover where my feet will lead me next. What character will I become acquainted with? What stories will I hear and what new music will I discover. What will inspire me today? What will make me laugh, smile, or sad? What will shock me? What new things are in store? What is in my future? What will come?

Every day my thoughts can change.

Fortune Cookie

YOU HAVE AN ACTIVE MIND AND A KEEN IMAGINATION.

Gone Forever

There are many questions that humanity asks. Why are we here? Who or what created us? Are there others outside our universe? Why do we do what we do? Is there any significance to our lives? In the biological perspective, we live to reproduce and to just live. Just live. How perplexing? Why? There may not be an answer to the "why." We might have just been a mistake of years and years of evolution. Or maybe we have a purpose that we'll never know. Unanswered questions. It feels that we need to search for a purpose. In the universe's perspective, we are a speck in the middle of nowhere. We aren't important. Planets die all the time. Isn't our planet ready to go? All these things we have created here. Here, we plant the trees, manage the rivers and lakes, oversee the fields, cities and homes; regulate countries, skies, and waste, make relations, love, food, crafts, etc. Everything created to be lost like a swipe of some dust, a flick of a lint...gone like the last drop of rain or the breath on a cold day. Gone forever. How insignificant we are.

We have culture, creativity...we are remarkable, fascinating organisms. In our eyes, we love who we are, we love all we've made, we believe we are all that matters. But how insignificant we really are. It's sad. Our emotions are completely controlled by our brains, neurons, hormones, etc. They make us feel what to feel, do what we need to do. Solely for the purpose of survival and reproduction.

We create our own mindset. We create our own purposes to make us believe we have a purpose...only to keep from growing depressed and ending our lives. Ha! We are controlled. Is our conscious our own? It's all a mystery. All we can do is make the most out of our lives, live selfishly, take advantage of what we have, cherish every moment until the end. Whose perspective really matters? What does matter? What matters is only what you perceive matters. Truth is only what we say is true. Everything we want to believe is right, everything we do is done and that's it. It's gone in a second and the only thing that stays is our memory. Then, that will be gone. Then all we have left is history. Then that will be gone when our planet is gone.

Everything will perish. What is the future in that? All we can do is live. Live, Laugh, and Love.
Go and live, that's all you've got.