My Nana

Last monday, February 22, my Nana's lung collapsed.

She was already in the hospital having been admitted last week. I visited her the day before her lung collapsed. The doctors and nurses had to stick a tube through her side and inflate her disabled lung. It was dramatic and shocking for all of us especially those who have been caring for her these past decades. She is about the same age as my maternal grandmother, however, they look completely different. Despite the contrast in ethnicity, there is one main difference that sets them apart: the grotesque, suicidal habit of smoking cigarettes.

Nana has been smoking way before I was born, my cousins were born, and her children were born. How she looks now does not fully reflect how damaged her insides are.
"If the Lord wants me he'll take me," she says as she sips her Diet Coke. She's having withdrawls, I tell myself, she drinks soda like it were the body's all natural necessity, water.

Smoking is one thing that does not make sense to me. Not only is it an addictive habit, it's a suicidal habit as well. It is not the same as treating yourself to sweets every so often or taking risks to fly an airplane or outdoor rockclimbing. Smoking is the worst! An addictive personality does not just affect them, it affects those around them. They damage their relationships just as they damage themselves. It ruins their lives and it dampens others'.

Why? is all I ask. And a stupid answer like, "Oh, because it's so hard." is lousy, misdirected, lost, and hopeless.

A lot of people...not all...but TRUST me A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE.....hopeless.

Not everyone can be saved.

Marriage

I've been in a nearly two year relationship with a man I very much love. Recently, my mind contemplated on marriage while I dreamt. It was present day in this dream and Alex and I were about to tie the knot. What a daydreamer would imagine to be a wonderful time in one's life was absolutely not in my dream. Everyone, friends and family, were getting irritated and wierd around me. I felt odd doubts and anxiety that I've never felt before--like the fearfulness I felt about to jump off a cliff where twenty to twenty-five feet below me lay a medium-sized body of clear water---it was sport. But marriage is for life. So in my dream I was scared in ways that other's my age and in my time can't imagine. How vivid a night! I decided, hours before the horribly gathered ceremony---apparently unprofessional and lousy in set up---to cancel everything. I woke up astonished and embarrassed---how could my mind come up with such crazy situations?

I woke up realizing that me, myself, and I were still in need of personal development. Where things are now, I need to focus on me and my education. Education and experience. Life experience is necessary for personal growth. I've realized my place and I've realized my potential.

I know that I'm in a great relationship--stable, mutually loved, confident, growing, and fun.
But I've come so far in my first half of college--in intelligence and social aspects. I need to fine tune who I am and need to develop who I want to be and what I want to do. Many options are still available for me and the world is at my feet to explore. Taking one step at a time, with eyes and thoughts wide open, I try to absorb what I can in hopes to further enrich myself with intelligence.

But in many special cases there are those who feel that it is their time to seal their hearts for a certain someone. I wish them all the strength and happiness because in everything we experience, there will always be obstacles. But I hope that there will be more bliss and love than anything else.

Life is good.

Transition in Thinking

I open my eyes and breathe the air surrounding me. Smells of vanilla lattes, world music, bustling of young adults and wise professors...It is midday and I have class in fifteen minutes. I'm sipping the rest of my Starbucks coffee, flipping through a superb novel, and frequently glancing at my peers nearby. Someone continuously jitters turning to the time on his wrist. Another stares at the menu uncertain whether to get the usual. A boy is resting his head on the back of the couch, lost in the perilous consequences of late night beer pong. Everyone following different schedules, pursuing different goals, and leading different lives. We are not all machines anymore, we are all unique. Classes are filled with a variety of ages, beliefs, opinions, shapes, sizes, and colors.

Suddenly I'm in college. A year has gone by like a blink of an eye and I now sit in a coffee shop pleased where I've brought myself.

My thoughts.

They've changed.

What I think of now is different. I'm continuously planning, working, studying, and meeting new people. I'm learning something new every day. I'm exploring my limits and pushing myself further. I'm weighing my time and trying foreign things. Walking to new places with new people and new thoughts.

My thoughts have changed.

I no longer think of dances, gossip, games, and events. I no longer eat lunch with the same individuals. My day is planned and unplanned. I set the basics and complete the week. I'm experimenting with life and it's proving to be an unpredictable and joyous ride.

I awake in the morning excited to discover where my feet will lead me next. What character will I become acquainted with? What stories will I hear and what new music will I discover. What will inspire me today? What will make me laugh, smile, or sad? What will shock me? What new things are in store? What is in my future? What will come?

Every day my thoughts can change.